just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
