I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Girls should come with a carfax report
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
