His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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