Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
