you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
