I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
