I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
