I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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