Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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