You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
