It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
