Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
