I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
