Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
