I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
