My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
