does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
