Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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