yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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