There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
