Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
