I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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