I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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