Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
