2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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