chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
