Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
