Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
