there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Randomize
