I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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