I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
