Can i not drive my cunt home
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
