I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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