do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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