i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
