I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
