well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
