If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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