But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
