Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
