I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
