now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
