Pants 0. Shit 1.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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