I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
