look no pants
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
