Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
