I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
