omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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