I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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