I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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