Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I smell like Dick and happiness
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
