currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
