I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
